Why I’m not going out tonight

November 23, 2013 in Words by Mark Vicente

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It’s Saturday night, my boyfriend is away in New York and I’m not DJing. The perfect opportunity to go out, network, check out what’s going on in the city right?

The thing is I have been feeling so burnt out lately that for the first time in a long time I feel like I just want to use this time not just to relax, but to honestly reflect and think about what my vision is for my life. I mean seriously, what do I really want out of being a DJ? What’s the next step for me?

It’s something I don’t think a lot of DJs talk about so from now on I hope to use this platform to just be honest about this DJ journey that I am on. Because half the time I am either feeling lost or caught up in so much noise and negative thoughts and doubts.

There is so much for me to learn about being a DJ. And the one thing I am having the hardest time letting go of is being a perfectionist. I have this notion that if I could just be perfect, be cool and look good, no one can question my talent or abilities and I’d have the confidence to play anywhere. But the truth is perfection is just the armour I wear to keep me from looking bad. I don’t want to look stupid so I hide.

It’s inevitable that the next stage in expanding my DJ career is to make music. But because my identity is so attached to being perfect I don’t want to begin anything unless it sounds perfect until I have the right tools, or I’ve studied all the right material. It’s crazy because even if I did all that I still wouldn’t know it all and be smart enough. I still wouldn’t have the “right” software, the right cables, the right speakers. It’s this never ending cycle of “not enough” to keep me in this fog so that I don’t do the one thing that will really make a difference: fail.

I need to fail. I need to fail a lot. And because I have such an aversion to failing I would rather bitch and moan or worse day dream about the day I will become a successful international DJ than to actually do the work of making music, which will probably suck a lot before it gets a whole lot better. What a challenge it is to get back to this beginner’s mind and to just have fun failing.

So I’m not going out tonight. Going out will just be another diversion to keep me from doing some real work like reading the Ableton manual and turning on the software and pressing buttons and just fucking up a lot. I’m on chapter 4 of the manual and already I’m lost in a language I don’t understand (yet).

I have to have faith that it will get better, that it will get easier. And I want to keep writing about this journey because I was to be transparent about it with all of you. I don’t know what it means to be a cool DJ who understands all the gadgets and has all the answers. I think as I move forward the best thing for me to keep in mind is that my true passion is to create a space for people to dance and be themselves and have fun.

I’m turning a corner. But something tells me it’s gonna get ugly before it gets better. But I’m ready to fail and I’m ready to let go of trying to be a “cool” DJ. It’s time to just be me. I’m enough.